He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
