my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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