I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I fill condoms, not promises.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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