Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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