Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
