My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
that is very illegal...i love you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
