I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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