all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
