you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i think i just lost a toe
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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