my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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