I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
