I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
