Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There r osticjed everywhere
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
