Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
