i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
