when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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