my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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