i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize