I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Congratulations! We have a period
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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