I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think your dad took our porno
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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