I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
