Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
