She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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