the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
