just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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