Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize