Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize