I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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