watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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