i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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