4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
