I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
