I think i sorta joined a cult last night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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