I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
