last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
