You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
