alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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