Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
