I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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