That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
