I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
