no, he came in my armpit
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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