I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
