Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
