dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
