so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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