the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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