Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize