Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
