Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Life is so much better after having sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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