walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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