haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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