my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You are the jesus of drinking
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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