There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
