i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
