I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We are two peas in an std pod
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
