News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
