just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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