I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
