Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
