Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
