I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
