if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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