The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just googled if crying burns calories
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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