i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
