i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
