I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
