My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
