There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
