You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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